So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
