I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
