I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
