and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
