I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
