would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
