I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
