I cannot find my penis.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
