I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
