I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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