Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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