The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
