oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
