I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
