my phone needs a breathalizer
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
