Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I can't put those talents on a resume
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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