I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
