You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
