Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
