Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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