It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
