Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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