Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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