I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
