So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
