I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
