Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
