my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
