it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I want you more than these girls want KFC
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize