Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
