If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
