Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
