I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
