So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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