Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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