"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I smell like Dick and happiness
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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