i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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