Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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