When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
