wrigley field is MILF paradise
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
