You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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