What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
