I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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