Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
