Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I have aggressive nipples.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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