She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
