farters have to be the big spoon...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
