I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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