you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
