Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
