mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
