At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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