I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
