Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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