can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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