3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize