i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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