don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
