I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
