Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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